Time to Saddle Up!
by Richard A. Allcorn
I completed a divorce not quite 2 years before this writing. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. My former wife and I were the best of friends, great roommates too! But, we just weren't "in love"! I tried everything that I knew, concerning faith, in confessing, believing, acting, and trusting GOD ... but you cannot "make" someone to fall in love with you. She loved me, don't get me wrong. But she was not "in love" with me. In fact, many things about me she didn't even like! The criticisms, and the picking, the spying and what seemed like micromanaging of my life finally got to a point where I felt like I was being bullied, emotionally. It's not her fault ... she was just being "her". But we were not compatible in that realm. And it took it's toll.
When two people are in love, they love and adore their partner! They like everything you can imagine about them! And because of the way they are with one another, they simply cannot stand to be apart! They cannot imagine living without the other! And that was the problem, I could imagine that. My former partner rarely if ever complimented me. When asked about it, she remarked, "I thought it would go to your head." What she didn't understand was, the more "public" a person is, the more they need the compliments, the reassurance, the pat on the back. It won't go to their head, it reassures them that they're "ok". And that's been one of my biggest problems is, I constantly think that I'm "not good enough", "not liked by others", and "a big failure". I desperately needed her praise, her uplifting, and her reassurance, just to be happy.
Since the divorce, I've learned alot, about myself and about people in general. I have learned that I desperately need the feedback she was unwilling to give. On occasion, I would come across her talking to someone and I would overhear her talking about something I did that she thought was wonderful! And I remembered thinking to myself, "Why doesn't she ever tell 'me' these things?" Remember that in your relationships. People "need" reassurance, uplifting, encouragement and praise. It's important! A compliment, an encouragement, a pat on the back for just about anything, will go a long way!
In the relationship that I want with my hopefully soon partner in life, I must have that "in love" romance, that spark, that "lightening strike" in my life! Anthony Hopkins put it best in his lines from the movie, "Meet Joe Black", when he said, "I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture, and dance like a dervish! I want you to be deliriously happy!" He then told her, "Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without ..." He went on to say, "Fall head over heels! Find someone you can love like crazy, who will love you the same way back! Forget your head and listen to your heart." He told her, "Theres no sense living your life without this."
When she wondered if she would EVER meet anyone like that, he told her, "Keep your heart open. You never know, lightening could strike!" And "that" is what I am looking for and am purposed to find. I don't want just "anyone". I've tried 3 times, being married to someone I thought would make a good wife, a good marriage. But I realized that I've never been "in love"! I have loved, but it's not the same thing. I want "the magic"! I want the passion, the obsession! I WANT the lightening to strike!
About 7 months or so ago, I started driving trucks, making at least $2,000 per week! It was my intent to wipe out any/all of my debt, and money that I might owe to others, and then put the rest in the bank. After all, I'm not paying for a home, and I'm gone all the time so I don't have a chance to spend what I make, so it's the perfect opportunity!
In September of last year I started working for a trucking company making about $2,500/week. It was a great job, driving over-the-road in a beautiful truck. Then, about 3 weeks into the job, we were sued and our assets were frozen/locked-down. I worked for the next 5 months without a paycheck.
We won the lawsuit, but the judge gave them 90 days to release the funds! Our company barely survived, and only because of my driving! All of the other drivers were gone. It was a hard time for me, not being able to pay my bills, not even having money for the little things I might want to buy while traveling. Then finally, after 5 months of this, I came home for some time off. The intent was that these guys who sued the company will have released our funds and I could get paid my paychecks, and then we would start again driving, making more money to put in the bank, to get financially stable, solid and responsible. It didn't happen that way.
March 15th came and went, and these guys instead of releasing the funds began a legal song-and-dance to delay and hang on to the money! It's evil, vindictive, and it's holding up MY paychecks! So, I am still waiting for my 5 months of backpay. I am not sure whether the company is going to survive this attack or not. They don’t know when they’ll be able to pay me. And so my big plans to turn my life in the right direction and get my act together ... it failed.
I'm left this Monday morning, facing the situation, the odds, the results and the backlash of this all. It just reassures anyone who thinks that I'm a failure that I must be, and will never amount to anything. At least that's what the devil is saying in the back of my head. And Monday is what I call "buckin' chute day". If you've ever been to a rodeo, you're in the bucking chute, straddled atop a very large brahma bull, and you're cinching up the straps, checking your gloves and your hold, to make sure you can stay on when the gate is opened! Because, you see, you've only got 8 seconds that you have to stay on. Everything depends on how you start the ride, and how you maintain the duration.
Now I've seen alot of beautiful women online, but this woman ... her eyes, her smile, her face ... I can't pin it down, but something about me seized me up as I was browsing through ... it's like a heavy chain was attached to a tree stump, and to the bumper of my pickup. And I was attempting to just drive on thru, but suddenly ... suddenly, I was stopped dead cold! My heart was racing, my blood pumping, and my eyes could not let go of the image I had just seen! It was my first experience at "love at first sight", ever!
Now I have to find a way to suddenly begin to come up with lots more money, to get my life together, to find an alternate plan or financing to resume my previous plan. Why? I not only want to be responsible, but I "want" a life with this newfound love. She "illumines" me, filling me with hope. We haven't met yet but are planning to do that this month. I want to be ready.
And so, here I find myself, atop the brahma bull, tightening my straps, securing my gloves and my hold
on this beast, and I am beginning my week. Just a few more seconds here and as the buzzer goes off the gate will swing wide and it's time for the ride! The ride can be rough and treacherous, but I have to ask myself, am I ready ...
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